“You are the head of an administrative unit, not a psychologist, not everyone’s mother.  People in this unit do not need ‘to talk.’  We need assurances that necessary work will be done, whether that means you will go to bat to hire another person for the position or that you personally will pitch in to get it done.  Stop trying to turn a functioning group of professionals into a touchy-feely ‘family’ group.  You are encouraging people to associate women in leadership roles with motherly, nurturing behavior (rather than efficient, rational, fair practices), and thereby making my job harder.  It would be a lot more feminist to set an example of a woman behaving professionally.  If budget cuts mean that there’s no hope of a replacement, then say so.  Discussion of feelings is not going to help anyone.”

I don’t think it would help to say this.  So I won’t.  But this sort of thing makes me very grumpy.

11 thoughts on “Something I’d like to say, but won’t

  1. Posted for your amusement:

    #2: DEH’s rant today on her blog seems quite reasonable to me!
    #1: yes, it is a reasonable rant 🙂
    personally I just want people to do their jobs and leave me along
    #2: I don’t want to talk about FEELINGS ever at work
    we can talk about processes and professional interaction or something
    #1: yeah, but what about that non-threatening language
    “I feel…”
    though I admit to not using it
    it takes a lot of pre-meditation for me to use the nonthreatening language
    #2: I could use that, maybe, but I’d still rather not talk about my feelings
    at work!
    #1: and I will say that I feel like I’m not valued when I don’t get raises
    giving me additional money makes me feel valued
    #2: YES
    man I like money
    man I wish I had more
    #1: being told to teach a new prep of an awful gigantor first semester into class when I already teach the other awful gigantor first semester into class… that makes me feel like leaving
    #2: “feel like” is cheating
    #1: Well, it makes me feel upset, and that makes me feel like leaving.
    I dunno though, “feel like a natural woman” seems to be talking about feelings and it is a “feel like”
    #2: I don’ t even know what “feel like a natural woman” means. How would I know if I were feeling it?
    #1: It always makes me think of being fresh out of the shower and ready for love
    #2: showering isn’t “natural”
    also showering makes me want to sleep
    #1: maybe I’m an unnatural woman
    #2: probably best not to talk about feeling like a natural woman at work anyway

    1. Hahaha!

      Seriously, I teach the “I feel” for conflict resolution but that’s only for partners, family, and friends. The rest of the time we should say “I think”. When people at work have too many feels, I get annoyed.

  2. DEH: You are right, although I have seen men do this same nonsense, too, in an effort to avoid stating unpleasant truths directly. But yeah, it takes on an extra unsettling tinge if the woman doing it seems to be playing into particular patriarchal stereotypes of what women can be and do.

    Nicoleandmaggie: You two are hilarious. “maybe I’m an unnatural woman” lmao!

  3. So true, though when I was chair, a few men treated me like a servant. And the dynamics of a unit can be deeply screwed up by people’s shitte, and sometimes I’d like to tell people to grow up….

  4. LOL.
    I’ve discovered that I’m damned if I’m a woman and damned if I’m not. If we aren’t warm and fuzzy, we’re bitches. If we do show compassion, we’re weak. hmm.

    1. Metheist, I call it being humane. I.e. treating people as real people, not machines…. I don’t do compassion much professionally, but I try to value people as whole people, not just teaching and writing machines. if that’s compassion, well, so be it.

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